I’ve always known I’ve had anxiety, but I didn’t know it by that name. As a kid, both of my parents were highly anxious people. I remember my stories of my father leaving a full cart of groceries in the grocery store, and when my mom and I asked why, he just said he felt like he couldn’t breathe. These attacks happened pretty frequently, but never had a name, or I didn’t realize they had a name until I was older. My mom was always in a constant state anxiety, an still is. It was always described to me as thinking out loud. That constant thinking out loud was a lot of second guessing herself, and a lot of worry. My dad used to say she was scared of everything.
For me, I always described it as indecision. Starting in sixth grade, I constantly would describe myself to others as indecisive. This continued until college. Little did I realize, this was how my anxiety manifested, and still does to a point.
It wasn’t indecision; I had a strong fear in making decisions. Not because of I didn’t know what I want, but because I feared what others would think of me, based off of my decisions. This anxiety ultimately stemmed from my parents anxiety. I was an only child, and my parents had me later in their lives. They wanted my life to be perfect. They did everything they could to make my life perfect. Which unfortunately led me to think that I needed to be perfect.
In middle school this need to be perfect, led me to withdraw. I was afraid to make mistakes. I was afraid to make decisions. So I made no decisions. I did what I was told. My parents would tell me how great I was for never making mistakes. So, I continued to do what I was praised for: nothing but what I was told to do. I shut down.
This posed a challenge in my development as an adolescent. Pre-teen and teenage years are molded on making mistakes and learning from them. I never gave myself this opportunity. I didn’t make a lot of strong friendships. I didn’t date. I didn’t question anything. I told myself I’d rather have no enemies than strong friendships. I told myself I didn’t date, because high school relationships didn’t go anywhere, and were a waste of time. I told myself that rules were in place for a reason, and we should follow them without considering what the rules were in the first place. My dad used to say “do what I say, not what I do”. That was confusing for an adolescent, but wasn’t worth questioning. Questioning was too worry some.
I have been playing catchup as an adult. Mistakes as an adult are unavoidable, but my fear of mistakes cause an anxiety in me that is debilitating. I fear mistakes before mistakes happen. I try to assume what others want, as if I am already supposed to know. I worry no matter what I do, someone will get upset, even if there is no reason for someone to get upset. I yearn for positive affirmations from others, as it is the only way I feel like I am doing the right thing. I don’t trust my own instincts, even though I only want to do well. I struggle to feel confident in my decision making.
I will continue to work on myself. As long as I am doing my best, I should be happy with myself.
Our Age is Retrospective 